Some forms of domestic violence that have been reported by lesbian, gay and bisexual individuals include, but are not limited to the following:

Physical Abuse: punching, grabbing, kicking, pulling hair, slapping, biting, twisting arms, tripping, pushing, shoving, hitting, using a weapon. . .

Intimidation: Making you afraid by using looks, gestures, actions, smashing things, abusing pets, displaying weapons. . .

Emotional Abuse: Putting you down, making you fell bad about yourself, making you feel bad about your gender or sexual identity, threatening to out you to people you are not out to, calling you names, playing mind games, making you feel guilty, humiliating you in front of friends or family, reinforcing your internalized homophobia. . .

Sexual Abuse: Forcing, coercing or intimidating you into having sex when you do not want to, refusing to talk about using contraception, touching you when you do not want to be touched, unwanted sexual comments...

Isolation: Controlling what you do, who see or talk to, limiting your outside activities, making you account for your whereabouts, saying no one will believe you because you are lesbian gay or bisexual, using jealousy to control you. . .

Minimizing, Denying, & Blaming: Making light of the abuse, saying it didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, accusing you of "mutual abuse", saying it is your fault, you deserved it. . .

Using Children: Threatening to out you so that your children will be taken away, using the children to relay messages, threatening to take the children. . .

Using Privilege: Treating you like a servant, being the one to define each partner's place or duties in the relationship, taking advantage of being more out than you, taking advantage a more privileged identity, making all the big decisions. . .

Economic Abuse: Preventing you from getting or keeping a job, putting assets in partner's name only, not working and requiring you to support her/hir/him, making you ask for money, interferring with work or education. . .

Coercion & Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to harm you, threatening to leave or commit suicide, driving recklessly to frighten you, threatening to out you, threating others who are important to you, stalking. . .

Myth: Lesbian relationships are never abusive.

Despite an assumption that lesbians are caring and supportive to one another, violence does exist in some relationships.

Myth: Women are not abusive - only men are.

Anyone can choose to be abusive or not.

Myth: Lesbian violence is caused by substance abuse, stress, childhood violence, or provocation.

Altohough such factors may help explain why an abuse acts the way she does, there is no simple cause and effect relationship. An abuser has choices. She is responsible for her behavior and she can control it. There is no excuse or justification for abuse.

Myth: Abuse/battering that occurs in lesbian battering is mutual.

Mutual abuse, in contrast to battering, holds that both people in the battering relationship are equally responsible. Often this belief is maintained by the heterosexual community. The fact is that mutual battering in lesbian relationships is rare. A consensus fight is not going on. Many victims fight back in an attempt to defend themselves.

Myth: Domestic Violence primarily occurs among lesbians who hang out at bars, are poor, or are people of color.

The truth is that domestic violence is a NON-discriminatory phenomenon; violent and abusive offenders come from all walks of life, all ethnic groups, and all educational levels.

Myth: The batterer will always be butch, bigger, stronger. The victim will always be femme, smaller, weaker.

This myth grew out of what people think victims look like and unfortunately focuses on the narrow stereotype that gay and lesbian domestic violence is physical and strength related. This is simply not true. Size, weight, butchness, femmeness, queenines, or any other physical attribute or role is not an indicator of whether or not a person will be a victim or batterer.

Myth: It's easier for a gay man to leave his abusive partner than it is for a hetrosexual woman to leave her abusive partner.

Its never easy to leave an abusive relationship. This applies to lesbian relationships as well.

Myth: Only straight women get battered; gay men are never victims of domestic violence.

According to the research of Island and Lettelier (1991) the incidence of abuse in male-male intimate relationships is thought to be similar to that in heterosexual relationships. Domestic Violence is not a gender issue; it is an issue of power and of control, and is a violation of a person's rights.

Myth: Domestic violence is more common in straight relationships than in gay male relationships.

There is no reason to assume that gay men are less abusive than heterosexual men. There is the potential for abuse in any relationship.

Myth: It is not really violence when two men fight, it is normal, just "boys being boys."

The male stereotype, gay or straight, supports the myth that it is okay for men to be violent and that somehow it is their nature. The truth is that there are many men, gay and straignt, that do not view violence as an option. Broken bones and serious physical harm has nothing to do with "boys being boys".

Myth: The abuser will always be bigger and stronger, the survivor will always be smaller and weaker.

Violence/abuse is a matter of personal choice, not body size.

Myth: Survivors often provoke the abuse done to them. They are getting what they deserve.

This is a very damaging belief that often causes the survivor to saty in the relationship.The violent/abusive behavior is sole the responsibility of the abusive partner. The survivor is responsible for staying in the relationship, but that does not make him responsible for the abuse.

If You Have Been In An Abusive Relationship, You May Feel:

Afraid to tell anyone. You might feel particularly alone or isolated if your friends or family don't know or don't accept that you are lesbian, gay or bisexual.

Depressed or humiliated.

Afraid you have failed as a lover.

Guilty about leaving your partner or scared of coping alone.

Furious at your partner.

Confused because sometimes your partner is loving and kind.

Guilty about leaving your partner.

Frustrated and sad because you tried everything.

Afraid of continued violence if you leave.

Panicked that you may lose your lesbian, gay or bisexual identity outside a relationship.

Worried about your financial security.

Made to believe that you deserved it.

Things you could do:

Believe in trusting your own feelings:

You may not have belived that your partner's behavior could be labeled as violent.

If you feel scared and unsafe in her/his presence, then something is wrong. YOU are the best judge of how safe you are.

You may not have told anyone about the violence.

You may have told freiends who have not understood your danger and distress.

Ideas that may help you:

Talk to friends, family, or other people you trust. Telling someone can help you feel less alone.

Call a local crisis center for ideas and support.

Get friends or family to help protect you by being around when your partner is there. Have a code word or signal to let them know you need help.

Make safety arrangements such as organizing a safe place to go, changing your phone number and locks, get someone else or an answering machine to take messages.

If you see your partner, try to stay in control of the situation.

Have an excuse prepared so you can leave quickly if you feel uncomfortable.

Remind yourself that you deserve to live in safety and that her/his violence is not your fault.