New Beginnings A Women's Crisis Center

Stage 1: Tension Building

During this stage the demands on and the stresses of the relationship increse.

There is an increase in aggressive behavior, usually toward objects rather than a partner. For example: punching doors, throwing objects, etc.

The abusive behavior is reinforced by the abuser's release of tension following this aggressive action.

The violence moves from objects to partner, and there may be an increase in verbal abuse.

The partner begins to alter his/hir/her behavior to stop the verbal abuse and/or the violence. Examples: keeping the house cleaner, the children quiter, staying home more often.

The verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse continues to escalate.

The partner may withdraw and feel responsible for the abuse.

The abuser may become obsessively jealous and try to control most of the partner's behavior or time, i.e. say where the partner will go, with whom, how she dresses, or even forbid the partner to see certain people.

The abuser may try to isolate the partner from family and friends. The abuser may tell the partner that if the partner loved him/hir/her, he/ze/she wouldn't need others.

During the tension building stage, the victim...

feels that nothing he/ze/she does is good enough for the abuser
feels like he/ze/she is walking on eggshells
feels powerless to stop the next beating and/or explosion
feels angry because the abuser doesn't trust him/hir/her
is angry because the abuser isn't keeping his promises

During the tension building stage, the abuser...

feels like a non-person
denies that he/ze/she is hurt, frustrated, disappointed, insecure
feels caught between a rock and a hard place
feels powerless in his/hir/her own home
believes that the victim should make him/hir/her feel better, blames others for feeling miserable
may drink to reduce tension

The tension building stage differs with each case. The length of this phase may be days or weeks, and the severity varies.

Stage 2: Explosive Stage

In this stage there is an acutal feeling of release from the build-up of stress and tension following the incident.

The abuser makes a choice about his//hir/her violence. For example: decides place and time for the episode, makes a conscious choice on what to say and/or which part of the body to hit and if it's done with a fist, an open hand, shoving, kicking, etc.

This is the stage in which law enforcement becomes involved.

As a result of the abuse, the pent-up stress and tension has been eliminated. Thus, the abuser often appears calm and relaxed when law enforecment arrives.

The partner, on the other hand, appears confused or hysterical from the incident.

During the explosive stage, the victim...

is terrified
wrongly blames him/hir/herself for the violence
is ashamed, humiliated, degraded
is shocked
is angry
may be so overwhelmed and frightened by the threat of violence that he/ze/she stimulates the confrontation to get it over and done with

During the explosive stage, the abuser...

feels out of control
wrongly blames the victim for the violence
wants to control the victim, put him/hir/her down, or punish him/hir/her
wants to prove control of situation
may use alcohol to excess and then use it as an excuse for violence
feels he/ze/she has solved the problem

Stage 3: the Honeymoon Stage

This stage is characterized by a calm, non-violent, or loving period of time after an abusive episode.

This is the stage in which the abuser may take some responsibility for his behavior, thus giving the partner hope for change. Examples: the abuser begs for forgiveness, promised not to do it again, promises to get help, acts as if nothing happened, gives gifts, etc.

If there is no intervention at this point, and the relationship continues, theres is a high possibility the violence will escalate and the severity increase.

Unless the abuser receives help in learning appropriate methods to deal with stress and anger and uncovering the more deeply lying cause for his abuse and is committed to recovery and healing, the phase will only last a period of time. The violence will continue. The stress and tension will again begin to increase and the cycle repeat itself.

During the honeymoon stage, the victim...

wants to escape the abuse
feels gulity about leaving the abuser
wants to believe promises
is depressed, feels helpless, hopeless, and trapped

During the honeymoon stage, the abuser...

feels temporarily in control of self
may feel shame and guilt
may have a fear of own behavior
is afraid the victim will leave
minimizes the abuse
promises never to do it again
is afraid the victim will involve the police or courts
may drink to escape the pain

The cycle of violence moves from stage three back to stage one and repeats itself again and again. It is a difficult cycle to break because of its constant return to the honeymoon stage, a renewed sense of hope, and a reminder that the abuser is not completely a bad person.







				The Cycle of Violence

	Stage 1: Tension Building During this stage the demands on and the stresses of the relationship increse. There is an increase in aggressive behavior, usually toward objects rather than a partner. For example: punching doors, throwing objects, etc. The abusive behavior is reinforced by the abuser's release of tension following this aggressive action. The violence moves from objects to partner, and there may be an increase in verbal abuse. The partner begins to alter his/hir/her behavior to stop the verbal abuse and/or the violence. Examples: keeping the house cleaner, the children quiter, staying home more often. The verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse continues to escalate. The partner may withdraw and feel responsible for the abuse. The abuser may become obsessively jealous and try to control most of the partner's behavior or time, i.e. say where the partner will go, with whom, how she dresses, or even forbid the partner to see certain people. The abuser may try to isolate the partner from family and friends. The abuser may tell the partner that if the partner loved him/hir/her, he/ze/she wouldn't need others. During the tension building stage, the victim... feels that nothing he/ze/she does is good enough for the abuser feels like he/ze/she is walking on eggshells feels powerless to stop the next beating and/or explosion feels angry because the abuser doesn't trust him/hir/her is angry because the abuser isn't keeping his promises During the tension building stage, the abuser... feels like a non-person denies that he/ze/she is hurt, frustrated, disappointed, insecure feels caught between a rock and a hard place feels powerless in his/hir/her own home believes that the victim should make him/hir/her feel better, blames others for feeling miserable may drink to reduce tension The tension building stage differs with each case. The length of this phase may be days or weeks, and the severity varies. Stage 2: Explosive Stage In this stage there is an acutal feeling of release from the build-up of stress and tension following the incident. The abuser makes a choice about his//hir/her violence. For example: decides place and time for the episode, makes a conscious choice on what to say and/or which part of the body to hit and if it's done with a fist, an open hand, shoving, kicking, etc. This is the stage in which law enforcement becomes involved. As a result of the abuse, the pent-up stress and tension has been eliminated. Thus, the abuser often appears calm and relaxed when law enforecment arrives. The partner, on the other hand, appears confused or hysterical from the incident. During the explosive stage, the victim... is terrified wrongly blames him/hir/herself for the violence is ashamed, humiliated, degraded is shocked is angry may be so overwhelmed and frightened by the threat of violence that he/ze/she stimulates the confrontation to get it over and done with During the explosive stage, the abuser... feels out of control wrongly blames the victim for the violence wants to control the victim, put him/hir/her down, or punish him/hir/her wants to prove control of situation may use alcohol to excess and then use it as an excuse for violence feels he/ze/she has solved the problem Stage 3: the Honeymoon Stage This stage is characterized by a calm, non-violent, or loving period of time after an abusive episode. This is the stage in which the abuser may take some responsibility for his behavior, thus giving the partner hope for change. Examples: the abuser begs for forgiveness, promised not to do it again, promises to get help, acts as if nothing happened, gives gifts, etc. If there is no intervention at this point, and the relationship continues, theres is a high possibility the violence will escalate and the severity increase. Unless the abuser receives help in learning appropriate methods to deal with stress and anger and uncovering the more deeply lying cause for his abuse and is committed to recovery and healing, the phase will only last a period of time. The violence will continue. The stress and tension will again begin to increase and the cycle repeat itself. During the honeymoon stage, the victim... wants to escape the abuse feels gulity about leaving the abuser wants to believe promises is depressed, feels helpless, hopeless, and trapped During the honeymoon stage, the abuser... feels temporarily in control of self may feel shame and guilt may have a fear of own behavior is afraid the victim will leave minimizes the abuse promises never to do it again is afraid the victim will involve the police or courts may drink to escape the pain The cycle of violence moves from stage three back to stage one and repeats itself again and again. It is a difficult cycle to break because of its constant return to the honeymoon stage, a renewed sense of hope, and a reminder that the abuser is not completely a bad person. adapted from CalypsonSun