people who are in violent relationships are likely to have misconceptions about themselves, their partners, and how to maintain relationship.

what to do if your friend is being abused:

educate yourself about dating violence and share with your friend

believe your friend.

remind your friend that the abuse is not his/hir/her fault.

remind your friend that he/ze/she does not deserve to be abused.

respect your friend's privacy.

listen if your friend needs to talk.

be patient. leaving an abusive relationship is hard and may take time.

express you concern and support your friend.

let your friend make his/hir/her own decisions and accept that these decision as right for him/hir/her.

don't try to be a mediator.

recognize and praise your friend's strengths.

remember to keep yourself safe.

what to do if your friend is being abusive:

encourage your friend to get professional help in dealing with violent behavior

ask your friend about specific acts of abuse and controlling behaviors--this will help your friend to be more specific and will also make it clearer that these are violent acts

support your friend for talking about the violence. remind him/hir/her that it takes courage to talk about it

remind your friend that it's okay to be angry, but it is not okay to be violent

point out the difference between excessive jealously or possessiveness and love.

there are a variety of reasons that it may be very difficult for your friend to leave an abusive relationship.

it's important to remember that your friend is the best judge of his/hir/her own safety and has to be the one to decide to leave.

following are some reasons your friend may want to stay in the relationship or is having a hard time leaving.

fear: your friend is afraid of what the abuser might do if he/ze/she leaves

confusion: sometimes your friend's partner is a jerk but sometimes he/ze/she is a lot of fun, part of the relationship is still good

loss of self-confidence: the abuser tells your friend that he/ze/she is stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, and that no one else will want him/hir/her--and your friend has begun to believe it

love: your friend is still in love with his/hir/her partner but not necessarily with the part of the partner that is abusive

your friend doesn't recognize what's happening is abuse

the abuser needs your friend's help: your friend believes that he/ze/she is the only good thing the abuser has going and needs his/hir/her help to stay on the right track

hope: your friend hopes that over time his/hir/her partner will change

guilt: your friend feels that he/ze/she might have done something to deserve the abuse